based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
