I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
