Got a toothbrush?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
