??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
