Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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