So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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