I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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