How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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