Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
