If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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