sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
