Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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