I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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