i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
