Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dicks are not precious.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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