I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
