we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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