Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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