Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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