it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize