I just threw up on my dentist
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
