Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
