You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
