That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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