I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sorry about my life...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
