Is it because I queefed?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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