I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
