he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
