Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
