He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
