my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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