Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
