why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
