I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need to calm my uterus...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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