Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
