just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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