It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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