I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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