He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
