I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
