How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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