Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
