I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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