I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
