I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
