textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
