I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
