I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
