I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize