Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Randomize
