my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
