I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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