Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
