I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
two words...techno handjob
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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