Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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