Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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