Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
