i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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