you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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