dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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