I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
