Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize