I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
