The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize