Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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