remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize